First blood tests after starting Tecfidera…

… and everything’s fine! 🙂

My liver, kidneys and white cells all high fived each other, and Tecfidera winked at them approvingly.

I think I’m gonna like my own post. 😀

In other news, I’m taking Escitalopram again for the third time since 2012. Guess I really suffer from chronic anxiety… Let’s hope this weight on my chest that doesn’t let me breathe in deep lifts so I can focus on how I’m going to work on this.

Hairy chainsaw massacre

Because I was born in a family where mental illness is common, in some ways I had to grow up fast. That means I didn’t get to do some of the very very stupid things teenagers do, because I had this huge sense of responsibility and consequences. And that means that today, fully grown up, I find myself making some really stupid mistakes. Like a teenager. Continue reading

Dissonance

My recent bout of insomnia, that I relate to the anxiety and change of routine caused by my master’s classes, has been met with skepticism from everyone from my mother to my therapist. I see them frown and ask, “Couldn’t this have something to do with Tecfidera?”

The taking of the full dose of Tecfidera coincided precisely with the beginning of my classes, so there was really no way to be sure unless I talked to my neuro, but I know deep inside in my gut that these past two months of insomnia have everything to do with anxiety originated by classes. Because I feel anxious, that restless feeling inside my chest that is so familiar. Because when I wake up in the middle of the night is usually due to some nightmare. Because I’ve been living with myself for the past 33 years. Continue reading

What the doctor said

So… classes started last month and suddenly I can’t catch my breath and write a few words here. But here I am trying to keep you up to date.

At the beginning of the month, October 5th to be more specific, I switched to the full dose of Tecfidera. I thought, considering how bad my flushing could be on the smaller dose, that I would simply go from flushed to radioactive. As it turns out, nothing weird happen. I never had headaches or itching anymore, and although I still flush, it didn’t get worse. Some days it’s actually milder. So that’s really good. Continue reading

New neuro, a whole new world

On Wednesday I went to an appointment with a new MS specialist. I am far from pleased with the way my MS specialist has been dealing with my case in the hospital. I have been waiting for months to start new medication and no one tells me why it’s been taking so long. I had to be tested twice for the JC virus for no apparent reason. No one tells me what’s going on, like my case and my MS progression don’t matter at all. Continue reading

When meds turn you into someone you’re not

decompensation

Also found in: Medical, Encyclopedia, Wikipedia.

de·com·pen·sa·tion

(dē′kŏm-pən-sā′shən)

n.

1. Medicine The inability of a bodily organ or system, especially the circulatory system, to maintain adequate physiological function inthe presence of disease.
2. Psychology The inability to maintain defense mechanisms in response to stress, resulting in personality disturbance or psychological imbalance.
Decompensated in the psychological sense of the word – that’s how I’ve been feeling this past month. This could be due to several different reasons, maybe to bits of all of them together, and I’ll never really know for sure. I suspect stresses from work may have something to do with it. But I also suspect that having gone off of antidepressants is also playing a part. A big part. Someone pointed out to me that, although I discontinued fluoxetine according to my psychiatrist’s treatment plan, that treatment plan was designed assuming I was quitting fluoxetine while starting paroxetine, which I never did. So technically I can still be on a rebound, with all the chemicals in my brain doing the polka and the can-can.
For the past month, my sleep has been a total mess. I either spend the entire night waking up, tossing, turning and falling asleep again, or I wake up early and don’t go back to sleep, or I go to bed late because I don’t feel sleepy and then getting up the next morning is almost impossible. Sometimes, despite this lack of a stable sleeping pattern, I don’t feel tired. Oddly enough, sometimes I feel energized. Like I’m anxiety-fueled and a time bomb ready to go off.
Concentrating on anything has been a real challenge. I need to finish my college paper, and, really, all that’s left to do by now is write two closing paragraphs, put together the bibliographical references and come up with a nice cover. How hard can that be? Apparently, very hard. I can’t focus. All I want to do is finish the paper so I can move on to other projects piling up in the back of my mind, but somehow time is flying and I don’t really know where it’s going.
And finally, the mood swings. Mood roller-coasters. I’m running a full gamut of emotions every day, sometimes in just a couple of hours I can go from sad and despaired to confident and empowered, from nostalgic and lost to euphoric and foolish.
But this is where it gets interesting – and dangerous. If this description sounds like a nightmare to you, it doesn’t feel like a nightmare to me. If anything, it feels like coming home. This person that doesn’t know a good night’s sleep and that is incredibly moody and sensitive is the person I’ve always known myself to be. These past four years on antidepressants were like trying to be someone that I’m definitely not. They stabilized lots of parts of me, yes, but they also made me more numb. And a heart beating doesn’t translate into a flat line.
The thing I’m most angry about, though, is that I feel all this was for nothing. I’m not healthier because I’ve been taking all these meds. My relationships weren’t more functional because I’ve been taking all these meds. I don’t see much results. I tried to be a version of me that I believed, based on what people told me, that would be more acceptable, healthier, saner, more functional, better for me. Yet, people kept telling me I can’t be the way I am. By people I mean specifically family and ex-boyfriends. No matter how much I tried, how much I sought help, no one really gave me a break. I was still too intense, too dramatic, too high maintenance, too preoccupied.
So I’m giving myself a break. All my life I’ve been hearing I can’t be the way I am. “You’re too shy, you can’t be that way or you’ll never get anywhere in life.” “You’re too slim, you need to put some weight on.” “You’re too hard on yourself, that’s bad for you.” “You’re too rational, you need to express your emotions.” “You’re too emotional, you need to sober up or no one will put up with you.” Now I don’t need pills to tell me who I should be as well. So what if I’m all that? These are just characteristics. Depending on the context, they can actually be assets.
It’s really no use for me to know a lot about mood disorders, family backgrounds, all kinds of therapies or even MS if I don’t know my own soul. Sometimes you have to go back to take a leap forward. And right now, it feels really good to revisit that place, that person who wasn’t afraid that making mistakes might put her in a wheelchair.

Continue reading

Work vs Chronic illness

There’s something wrong with this title. There shouldn’t be a “vs” there. It shouldn’t be a war. But most of the times it is.

Unlike many people I know who suffer from chronic illnesses, I still work full time. And I don’t complain about that. I wish I will be able to work full time for many many years. I wish to have a life that feels as normal as possible. Then why do I feel like quitting so often? Continue reading

Inspiration

2015 hasn’t really kicked off the best way, with me catching a cold that put everything I have to do this month on hold, and then stressing and freaking out because time is running out. But since I don’t want my blog to turn into a wailing wall, I thought I’d share some videos that have inspired me lately. Continue reading