Sometimes no change is good

Dear friends,

It’s been a long long time, I know. And I don’t even know how to explain my absence. Amidst fatigue, trying to manage it and balance it with all the activities and interests I have, time flew by. I also sometimes get so bored about my life and my complaints (it’s always about fatigue, as you may have noticed) that I don’t want to bore you too. And because of that, I only wanted to go back to writing when something big changed in my life that I could tell you about. Something big and for the better.

But, you know, sometimes no change is good too. Last month I went for my annual MRI and yeah, you guessed it, there was no change compared to last year. No new lesions, no inflammation, no sign of disease activity. I was surprised and so glad. I didn’t make a big fuss about it, like calling everyone right away, because after five years of being diagnosed I’m tired of having my entire life revolving around MS. But believe me, I’m happy. Quiet but happy. And I think that for two consecutive years not having signs of disease progression is like my MS is giving me permission to leave it alone. It’s like it’s telling me to go live my life.

Now I just have to figure out what “living my life” is without the constant fear of getting worse. Ha.

So there you have it. I occasionally visit your blogs though I must admit that I’m enjoying the social media diet, especially when it’s not so much the physical fatigue that’s killing me but the mental one. I went back to practicing meditation 15 minutes every day to deal with the mental fatigue. And I say “practicing” because I can’t really meditate with my hyperactive mind. I try my best and hope some day I’ll get there. My neuro prescribed Ritaline to help with the fatigue but I haven’t tried it yet because I’m still trying to manage it on my own. Let’s see how that goes.

No big changes, just small ones, some good, some bad. It has been an awful year at work (changed for worse) which has been the main culprit of my mental fatigue. College was also tiresome and disappointing. On the good side, I’m volunteering with three patients’ associations and I found a new motivation and purpose with that. I also started dating again, so far with mixed results (especially because I can’t figure out what I want from men and relationships) but I don’t care because I hadn’t dated in two years, so I think that’s positive.

And that’s it. I love you all and miss you and hope you are well. Even when I don’t come here I often think of you. Sending warm hugs to you all. ❤

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