As I sit here, staring at a blank page, I realize I haven’t been around as often as I would like to and also that there were a number of issues I talked about here that I didn’t update. So here’s a summary:
Anxiety and insomnia – Took these issues to my psychiatrist after my neurologist told me it wasn’t Tecfidera causing me trouble staying asleep. I told my psychiatrist I didn’t want to take alprazolam with the trazodone because it made me feel tired, which is a shame when I’m finally feeling less tired from the MS. She suggested I tried bromazepam, lowest dose. Honestly, it doesn’t feel much different from alprazolam, but I’m sticking with it anyway because it does in fact help me sleep. And I need sleep.
College – The bad news is if I want to quit I will have to pay the fee for the entire year. That’s a lot of money. So I’ll try to enjoy as much of it as I can. I decided to turn in papers this semester for two out of three subjects I enrolled in. This is why I was staring at a blank page. Because even if I care a little about these two subjects, I still don’t care enough. And it’s making me mad.
MS – I continue to feel better with Tecfidera. I actually feel more energy, and more willing to go out. I went out at night twice the past week and felt good. So good in fact it’s all I feel like doing lately, which is not very compatible with college assignments. Lucky for college, my friends aren’t all that too available to go out.
Christmas – Was hard. And the days leading up to it. On the 22nd I ran into my ex-boyfriend for the first time in two years. On the 23rd I went to places I hadn’t been in a long time due to MS fatigue keeping me hostage. The 24th was being with my mother and sister, two people I have very tense relationships with. So I spent most of Christmas crying for the things I can’t fix. When everything’s fine it’s easy to think one day I will have a healthy relationship with my mother, but I won’t – it will always be toxic, she will always try to isolate me, like I’m being punished for I don’t know what. I can’t fix it, just as I will never get the tiniest sign of recognition from my ex, or get the time MS took from me back. Even with me feeling better now, what’s behind that I missed I will never get back. And I need to cry for everything I can’t fix so that maybe – maybe – I will stop holding on to that hope.
I need 2016 to be a year of change. Ever since I was diagnosed life hasn’t exactly been easy and I don’t consider 2015 an exception. The whole year was something heavy I needed to drag in order to move forward. There was an awful lot of waiting and powerlessness. I had to wait for almost a year to start a new medication, and seven months of that year passed with no medication at all. I couldn’t control anything, or have a sense of control. I also had to wait a lot to know the grade of my post-grad one-year course, and wait a lot more to get the certificate that would allow me to apply for my master’s program (which I now loathe, ha ha).
All these months later I’m still not sure if I moved forward or if I’m at the exact same place I was a year ago. Something’s missing. Somewhere to go. Answers to questions. Sometimes I’m not sure if I know where I want to be in terms of personal growth but I know one thing: I’ve changed; the way I deal with myself and other people has changed. I learned a lot in therapy about myself. I’m more aware and less willing to make mistakes, because making the same mistakes will probably damage my health. But all these good things will only mean something if I put them to use, and that’s the problem: after these years focused on stabilizing my health and putting my health needs first, it’s like the entire world moved on and left me here. I don’t really know where’s my place or where I fit. I need to find my tribe, I need to find a home.
I’ve been hurt and disappointed so many times that I became really proud of being able to make it on my own. But I already proved myself everything I had to prove. I already proved myself I could buy my own little apartment and turn into my home. I already proved myself I can travel the country one end to the other on my own (it’s a small country but still). I already proved myself I can spend a day in a foreign city on my own. I already proved myself I can work full time, and study at night and have good grades. I already proved myself I could survive being hospitalized, give myself injections and everything MS has thrown me. I already proved myself I can live with MS. I already proved myself I can do all the above having MS. I’m proud of who I am, who I became, what I lived through. I have a story to tell and I want to tell it. I just need to find someone who will listen – someone whose own story will make me fall in love.
If you ever read or watched Into The Wild, there’s a point when he realizes that happiness is only real when shared. This is so true. We exist in relation to the others. I want to see myself through loving, caring, supportive and compassionate eyes. I’m a tough woman but I would love to meet someone who is tough enough to bring out the softness in me – who won’t be afraid of dealing with emotions in general, because that’s what tough really means.
That being said, it wasn’t all bad in 2015. In March by gynecologist told me the exams revealed no sign of endometriosis. In April I found out my grade in college was the second best. In July I spent beautiful afternoons at the beach, saw beautiful sunsets, made wishes and enjoyed staring at the night sky. In September I started a new medications that is actually making me feel better, unlike the previous ones. Also in September, lo and behold, my MRIs showed no signs of MS activity. I celebrated my birthday in October surrounded by some of the people I love the most. We toasted to leaving the past behind. Those who couldn’t come to my dinner party spoiled me afterwards with dinner at other dates. This is what I want to take with me, to remember, into the next year.
Throughout the year, my blog was visited by people who are brave, strong, wise, funny and considerate. I can’t thank you enough for the words you leave in the comments sections, for the likes and for generally being around. I actually remember some of your words at moments in my life when I feel I need encouragement. Some of the things you wrote have stuck with me. I hope 2016 will bring you all health, peace, happiness, joy and much much love.
I’ll see you next year. 😉