One funny thing that’s been happening to me since I was diagnosed with MS is that I’ve been growing more and more intolerant to suffering. Not just me: I’ve noticed friends of mine who either also deal with chronic illness or who have been face to face with life threatening situations also tend to turn their backs more often at what’s making life a little unbearable, a little suffocating, a little boring, a little waste of time.
I used to have a slight inclination toward masochism. Not in a 50 Shades kind of way, mind you, but I would endure certain situations because I was too proud to walk away, I would put up with people’s – especially family members’ – dysfunctions because I wanted to be the good guy – in comparison at least. And I was hurting the whole time.
But nearly four years after officially becoming a chronic patient I think I can say I’ve developed a little less aptitude for masochism. One, because I’ve suffered enough already. I’ve been through enough already. And two, life is too really damn short. It sounds like a cliché, I know, but I remember it every day. In the end I may live longer than most people I know, because no one can really predict what’s around the corner, but every day when I wake up and I’m grateful that I haven’t lost my sight, my ability to move, my memory or whatever overnight, I remember – it is too short and it could all go away in the blink of an eye.
So why am I writing this today? Because of my classes. They’re boring me, they’re making me anxious, walking to college feels like medieval torture (ok, I may be exaggerating about this last one). I don’t feel invested in any project right now, and after everything my life has been these past four years, I want nothing less than falling in love. When I do something new I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with places, with people, with subjects, with things to explore, learn and care about. I don’t want any more so-and-so, or doing things just because I’m supposed to. I already have my job for that, and only because I need to pay the bills.
So a decision will be in order. Either change to a different program, change college, take a break, or give up altogether. But I’m done with suffering. And I want to fall in love.