A little less aptitude

One funny thing that’s been happening to me since I was diagnosed with MS is that I’ve been growing more and more intolerant to suffering. Not just me: I’ve noticed friends of mine who either also deal with chronic illness or who have been face to face with life threatening situations also tend to turn their backs more often at what’s making life a little unbearable, a little suffocating, a little boring, a little waste of time.

I used to have a slight inclination toward masochism. Not in a 50 Shades kind of way, mind you, but I would endure certain situations because I was too proud to walk away, I would put up with people’s – especially family members’ – dysfunctions because I wanted to be the good guy – in comparison at least. And I was hurting the whole time.

But nearly four years after officially becoming a chronic patient I think I can say I’ve developed a little less aptitude for masochism. One, because I’ve suffered enough already. I’ve been through enough already. And two, lifeย is too really damn short. It sounds like a clichรฉ, I know, but I remember it every day. In the end I may live longer than most people I know, because no one can really predict what’s around the corner, but every day when I wake up and I’m grateful that I haven’t lost my sight, my ability to move, my memory or whatever overnight, I remember – it is too short and it could all go away in the blink of an eye.

So why am I writing this today? Because of my classes. They’re boring me, they’re making me anxious, walking to college feels like medieval torture (ok, I may be exaggerating about this last one). I don’t feel invested in any project right now, and after everything my life has been these past four years, I want nothing less than falling in love. When I do something new I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with places, with people, with subjects, with things to explore, learn and care about. I don’t want any more so-and-so, or doing things just because I’m supposed to. I already have my job for that, and only because I need to pay the bills.

So a decision will be in order. Either change to a different program, change college, take a break, or give up altogether. But I’m done with suffering. And I want to fall in love.

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11 thoughts on “A little less aptitude

  1. Nailed it!
    While in some ways illness can make us more compassionate, it can also cause the opposite of compassion. I can’t deal with people’s drama or talking about what someone watched on the news- barring actual tragic events.
    You’re right on.

    Falling in love?! You deserve every bit of love and romance in your life. Good luck to you sister

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I was diagnosed with MS at 24 years old, it totally changed my perspective on life. I am not invincible. Life can change in an instance. Nothing in life is guaranteed… I only wanted to do things that mattered to me, forget the dismal and inconsequential things. I pressured myself to do something to really make a difference.

    And then I realized how tired I am. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you MS fatigue.

    So…I decided to do a “100 days of gratefulness”. And I made a list of things in my life that bring me happiness — one every day for 100 days.. It turns out that I AM actually grateful that I have to do the dishes (because I have food on the dishes, I have a house in which to eat, I have friends and family to make those dishes dirty).

    There is so much beauty and grace that we are all surrounded by on a daily basis. Take some time to rest and enjoy it โค

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yeah, the eternal balance between wanting it all before it’s too late and not burning ourselves out. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m grateful that I get to learn about myself and the world while trying to find that balance.

      Like

  3. This is totally spot on to how I feel as well. I have very little patience for things I am not totally ‘all in’ with. Having MS for so long has really changed how it think about things. Nothing is guaranteed so why waste time! Interested to see what you chose!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Loving Me, Too and commented:
    As I get older, I’m becoming less tolerant of BS, aka drama, and unnecessary suffering. Doing things for the approval of others or because “I’m supposed to” has gotten really old. I can imagine how having a chronic illness like MS would bring this realization on faster than my almost 60 years have. Good for you, for honoring your priorities! I love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

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