Then the fog came

As I’m nearing the end of my holidays, I can’t help but to think about how they went compared to my expectations.

I drove here with a heavy heart. Filled with loneliness, sorrow, completely lost. Feeling invisible to the world, immaterial. I couldn’t think because there was so much background noise back home. So much to deal with, to go through. My head was foggy, groggy, couldn’t focus. I hoped to be able to think a little more clearly. But I’m not sure I accomplished that goal.

One thing I kept repeating to myself before I came was “You’re not going to take your worries and concerns with you,” because I kept waking up at night with bad dreams. But all my worries and concerns traveled along with me and made themselves at home here. I keep having bad dreams – about hospitals and neurologists, work, relationships, death and physical harm – and keep waking up feeling that I didn’t get enough rest.

I couldn’t help but e-mail one of my neurologists trying to know if there were any news from the hospital. Even though I didn’t spend the whole time waiting for the phone to ring, my mind occasionally remembered there was something to be expected – and that wasn’t happening.

Another thing I wanted to do was a plan. I’ve been toying with the idea of quitting my job for some time now but I wasn’t doing it without having a plan. I listed all the possible scenarios, put my savings on one side of the scale and my expenses and desired investments on the other. But that didn’t empower me. I still have mixed feelings. And I’m still dominated by fear of the unknown and unanswered questions.

Another idea I’ve been toying with is to also quit therapy. Most of the problems weighing me down are things I can’t control. I can’t control the economy and the fact that there are less and less jobs. I can’t control hospital debts and the fact that they don’t buy new and innovative medications. This isn’t my fault. My internal monologue used to be very self-deprecating like everything was my fault, and it’s gotten so much gentler and kinder. It’s a big step forward.

However, I need a little more structure, and therapy sometimes leaves me feeling even more all over the place. Right now my life is not where I want it to be in three key areas: work, health, and relationships. Frankly, I don’t know where to start focusing my energies because all three are so vital to me. So my energy disperses.

I know I still have some issues to work on. I know I have a hard time socializing, and chronic illness hasn’t been helping. I always tended toward isolation, but now I withdraw more and more for fear of people’s ignorant malice. I grew even more intolerant to bullsh*t. I never trusted people much and always had a hard time giving myself to them, but now it’s like I don’t give anything at all. I keep to myself. I keep everything to myself.

This is something I don’t feel is going anywhere with therapy. It’s going to take something else to unlock these problems. Like those yoga poses you spend years trying to figure out how to get right, and then one day, out of the blue, something clicks between your mind and body and you just do it at first try.

DSC01417I should have been resting, and my mind keeps thinking about all these questions. I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly, but I do know I’m not thinking from a good place. I drove here with a heavy heart and I’m probably going to drive back in a similar state. I don’t want to stay here forever but I don’t want to go back to the life that I have.

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18 thoughts on “Then the fog came

  1. I think it shows your strength and personal progress to realize therapy could be holding you back in some ways. Even moreso, I want to congratulate you on the shift in your inner dialogue. It takes work to make those adjustments- especially in the face of the setbacks in health and treatment you have had recently. It is so impressive that you continue to grow even when life is throwing you so many curve balls.
    I’m so sorry you weren’t able to leave the stress of your thoughts behind for your vacation. Wouldn’t it be nice to take a vacation from thinking?!

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    1. Thank you as always for your kind and encouraging words. Yes, it would be great to take a break from thinking. I should probably practice more meditation, but it takes a lot of energy to achieve that kind of focus and I’m usually too drained to gather that strength.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good point about meditation taking too much energy sometimes. I never thought of it that way.
        Sending hugs and hopes that your vacation at that beautiful spot was still somewhat restful for you. xoxo

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  2. All sounds good to me. Like you’re working through a lot of stuff. I hope the dreams ease off a little, can you do something to address one issue in them perhaps?

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    1. I’m trying to figure out what steps to take next. Many of those things are out of my hands though. Even though chronic illness has taught me we don’t really control anything, for someone like me it’s still a hard pill to swallow. But thank you, I hope the dreams will ease off too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I took the plunge to change my job recently but let it happen over the space of quite a while, talking to people about options, until one presented itself. I knew it was the right choice and as soon I made it the nightmares started… Dreams of being unable to wake up, unable to move, being lost. A week to go till I start the new job, closer to home, less pressure, more support. We can’t control the anxiety or the dreams I think

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      2. That is such a step, congratulations. In your blog you always sound like someone with her feet on the ground, so I’m sure you will be fine. Now that I’m back home I will be reading everyone’s blogs much more frequently, so do keep us posted. πŸ™‚

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      3. Will do. Last week was such an awful week health wise I really lost my enthusiasm to write but some ideas presented themselves this morning so I’ll write something. I felt so bad I thought about shutting down the blog, same with the therapy idea, I didn’t want to look at ‘being sick’ for a while. But then that passes and you come up for air and off you go again. X

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      4. I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time with your health. I totally understand wanting to shut down the blog, sometimes it crosses my mind as well. Maybe we should write about that. πŸ™‚

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  3. One thing to consider is: What might make therapy more effective/helpful for you? If there is an answer to this, you could tell your therapist. If you quit therapy, I hope you will continue to find ways to get support and not isolate too much. About the dreams, you could write a different ending, if you feel like it. The fog will come and go, but you will remain you. I like that photo.

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    1. I can always go back to therapy, it’s just right now I feel it’s contributing more to my fatigue than helping me. 😦
      What do you mean about writing a different ending to my dreams?

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  4. Thanks for asking for clarification. I have a vivid imagination. (Sometimes too vivid.) So what I like to do is imagine a different ending for the dream, or the scary thoughts I’m having. Like rewriting the script and giving more power to the ending, or endings, you would prefer. If you enjoy writing, you could write it as a story or like a script but with a different (better) ending. Or, if you could just visualize a better ending, like watching a movie. You could start anywhere in the dream, at the hospital or at work, but change the outcome to anything you want. Like taping over it. If we are going to imagine something (or remember a dream) why not imagine something moving in the direction we want? I catch myself sometimes when I’m worrying about something bad happening and imagine something good happening instead. Does any of that make sense?

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    1. Yes, it does. Thanks for letting me in on this tip. Sometimes I have a hard time with images and visualizing, but writing is something I do all the time. I could definitely try something like this. Thank you so much. πŸ™‚

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