As I’m nearing the end of my holidays, I can’t help but to think about how they went compared to my expectations.
I drove here with a heavy heart. Filled with loneliness, sorrow, completely lost. Feeling invisible to the world, immaterial. I couldn’t think because there was so much background noise back home. So much to deal with, to go through. My head was foggy, groggy, couldn’t focus. I hoped to be able to think a little more clearly. But I’m not sure I accomplished that goal.
One thing I kept repeating to myself before I came was “You’re not going to take your worries and concerns with you,” because I kept waking up at night with bad dreams. But all my worries and concerns traveled along with me and made themselves at home here. I keep having bad dreams – about hospitals and neurologists, work, relationships, death and physical harm – and keep waking up feeling that I didn’t get enough rest.
I couldn’t help but e-mail one of my neurologists trying to know if there were any news from the hospital. Even though I didn’t spend the whole time waiting for the phone to ring, my mind occasionally remembered there was something to be expected – and that wasn’t happening.
Another thing I wanted to do was a plan. I’ve been toying with the idea of quitting my job for some time now but I wasn’t doing it without having a plan. I listed all the possible scenarios, put my savings on one side of the scale and my expenses and desired investments on the other. But that didn’t empower me. I still have mixed feelings. And I’m still dominated by fear of the unknown and unanswered questions.
Another idea I’ve been toying with is to also quit therapy. Most of the problems weighing me down are things I can’t control. I can’t control the economy and the fact that there are less and less jobs. I can’t control hospital debts and the fact that they don’t buy new and innovative medications. This isn’t my fault. My internal monologue used to be very self-deprecating like everything was my fault, and it’s gotten so much gentler and kinder. It’s a big step forward.
However, I need a little more structure, and therapy sometimes leaves me feeling even more all over the place. Right now my life is not where I want it to be in three key areas: work, health, and relationships. Frankly, I don’t know where to start focusing my energies because all three are so vital to me. So my energy disperses.
I know I still have some issues to work on. I know I have a hard time socializing, and chronic illness hasn’t been helping. I always tended toward isolation, but now I withdraw more and more for fear of people’s ignorant malice. I grew even more intolerant to bullsh*t. I never trusted people much and always had a hard time giving myself to them, but now it’s like I don’t give anything at all. I keep to myself. I keep everything to myself.
This is something I don’t feel is going anywhere with therapy. It’s going to take something else to unlock these problems. Like those yoga poses you spend years trying to figure out how to get right, and then one day, out of the blue, something clicks between your mind and body and you just do it at first try.
I should have been resting, and my mind keeps thinking about all these questions. I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly, but I do know I’m not thinking from a good place. I drove here with a heavy heart and I’m probably going to drive back in a similar state. I don’t want to stay here forever but I don’t want to go back to the life that I have.