Tomorrow it’ll be two months since I started taking fluoxetine. I’m hoping I can catch my psychiatrist on the phone because things aren’t looking good. I’ve been feeling more and more down, and I haven’t been able to do much because I’m always so tired and when weekends come I just sleep.
As usual with depression it is hard for me to identify the feelings that are bringing me down because everything feels so mashed up inside my head. Thoughts become intricate and confusing, vision narrows, breath seems to become shorter. I cry a lot. Fatigue worsens. I forget to take my daily injection. And when my mom called last night a little tipsy from dinner and making up silly jokes, I didn’t feel like laughing. And believe me, my 67-year-old mom is the funniest sweetest thing when she drinks just a few drops of red wine and immediately starts acting like a silly drunk lady. But I’m just so out of tune.
I’m writing because I’m trying to break things down so I can make sense in case my psychiatrist wants to see me. So what is really squeezing my lungs, heart and guts and making me just want to cry?
Uselessness. Suddenly I look back and everything I did this year seems worthless. What am I going to take from my post-grad? Not a new job, by the look of it. This blog? What’s the point? Everything I read? I’m not becoming healthier or saner just because I know a lot about neurology and psychiatry. And what about next year? I’ve been thinking about projects. I want to write a book that I’ve been carrying with me since last year. And I want to write another book to raise awareness for MS. But even if I get them published, will they reach anyone? Will they make a difference? I also want to start taking my master’s in September. But I’m not sure I will be able to survive such a busy schedule, so why do I even bother? And I want to do some volunteering, but will I add anything to anyone’s life? Because, you see, I’ve been feeling. . .
. . . Unable to connect with people. Classes ended, and I will still see my class mates at least once more and we’re all friends on Facebook and all that. But in the end of the day, years will pass and no one will stay. Everyone will go about their businesses and I will be just another forgettable person they once knew briefly. Everything moves so fast and is so ephemeral. Yesterday I was thinking about relationships and unfaithfulness, and it made me so sad to realize we treat most people like objects. We come in, just take and take and take, never give anything, we play and leave the toy there. And I’m one of those people in need of so much more. Human touch. Human warmth. Deepness. Safety. Little details. But I don’t trust anyone. I’m disillusioned. And I don’t go out much because. . .
. . . MS is preventing me from being so much more. I go to work everyday and it takes all my spoons. I feel miserable because my life has become just work. I miss going out after work for a coffee or maybe dinner with my closest friends. I miss them, miss their support, miss our jokes, and I miss being there for them as well, being the loving and caring friend I suppose I used to be. But I just don’t have the energy. I sleep 9 hours on weekdays and 12 on weekends. If I don’t, I don’t function well enough in the real world. But that doesn’t leave much room for anything else, does it? And I never thought my life would become so… sterile.
I’m in the middle of the tunnel. I feel I’ve been swallowed by this darkness I didn’t see coming. I think I kept myself so busy this year in order to mask all this darkness. I feel like these two.