I really don’t know what Prozac is doing, but I cried more times this week than in the entire year.
First, I went to the hospital on Monday, only to find out that I won’t start Tysabri until January. Since mid-September I know I need a more aggressive drug than Copaxone. That’s three and a half months waiting, worrying about possible side effects and living with that little anxiety that the unknown always seems to bring.
Tuesday I received a phone call. In August I had applied for the Believe and Achieve Project, a project created by the European MS Platform aiming to give employment opportunities to MSers under 35. The position they had in Portugal had everything to do with my project in college, so I applied. I didn’t think they would call me for an interview because they would probably pick other MSers who were unemployed, which is not my case, but they did, the interview went really really well and I hoped I would have a chance. But on Tuesday they called telling me that, while I was perfect for the job and they really liked me, they ended up choosing someone who, due to limitations, would probably never get a job anymore if they didn’t give him/her that opportunity.
Now I want to make things clear. I’m happy for the person who got the job because everyone deserves a chance regardless of their limitations. But I’m confused. I have rejection issues and I think I’ve always been rejected because I’m not good enough. This was the first time I was rejected because I was too good. Fear of rejection just got worse for me. And that sense of non belonging I’ve been living with all my life was highlighted once more. I don’t feel well enough for many things, but I’m too well for others. I’m in this limbo, disconnected. Where do I belong? Some people say that the more rejections the easier it gets. But it’s not getting easier for me. I just feel like not trying anymore. That’s probably what separates the depressed and the non-depressed. Helplessness.
Then the nightmares started. I dreamed doctors told me my mother only had a week to live and I didn’t even have a chance to think about what that meant because I mobilized all my energies into trying to make that week the most comfortable it could be for my mom. Then I dreamed that I was sitting on a wall and I suddenly lost consciousness for just a second. When I regained consciousness, I was falling. And finally I dreamed I found out some nasty secrets about this guy I fancy. It’s funny because every time I see him again after some time, I get bad dreams. Last month after I saw him I dreamed my father and stepmother were getting divorced. Today was about dirty secrets. Either case, they were dreams about loss.
There’s also a funny thing that happens when people like me. Officially I won’t be filling my new job position until next year, but I’ve been in training. I ended up getting along well with one of the people I’ve been working with. Today he left for three weeks away on vacation but he left me some books of his. And while it’s great to have new stories to read, I can’t help but to feel that it’s a burden when someone likes me and cares about me.
And you’re gonna have to pardon my French now, but I think I’m seriously