I have a lot of drafts written here but I never finished them because lately I’ve been busy, tired and worried about many things. One of the drafts was about my daydreaming and how disappointed, sad and – yes – tired I feel when reality doesn’t comply with the preferable versions of my life I have in my head. Both my therapists say that it’s ok, and even healthy, that my mind can take a few breaks every once in a while, but me – I just know that every disappointment is like I’ve been hit by a bomb and I’d rather avoid them.
One of those things I was daydreaming about was a new job. I applied to a couple of them and I was pretty confident I would at least be called for an interview. In my mind I made the whole film: me driving every day to a new location, meeting new people, working on exciting projects. But they never even called for an interview and there I was, feeling there is nowhere to run.
And then my boss called me at work and asked if I would like to run my department. The department I work for is run by another department and there never has been a head or coordinator. I’d be the first one. For years I’ve been asking the gods for a more dynamic and communicative job, one in which I can get up more and talk to more people. My days are pretty much spent just reading and writing, and that’s put a lot of strain on my eyes, which as we know are not exactly in good shape. This would be the chance.
However, I’m also pretty aware of those things I’m not so good at, and one of them is dealing with difficult people. My colleagues in the department have worked for the company for many decades and they won’t take lightly the fact that a 32-year-old kid, the youngest there, is going to tell them what they are going to do and when. And sometimes I lose my temper pretty fast, especially when I’m really really really tired.
I gave it some thought but ultimately I realized that the benefits taken from developing new skills and having them on my resume greatly surpass the risks of me failing. Just like maybe I need to take risks regarding my medication for MS, despite not encouraging news of patients dying, maybe I need to start taking more risks in other of areas of my life. Shed the insecurities MS has given me and remind myself that things can go pretty rough very quickly so I might just grab what’s there for me. My healthy and oh-so-safe lifestyle hasn’t really shielded me from disease progression anyway – and it gets boring too. So at least for a while my life will be filled with new experiences.