Yesterday a friend of mine and I were talking on Facebook Messenger. We chatted a little and he said, “You seem fine.” I told him, “I’m not so sure,” and went on explaining my hermit mode, that’s been going on since early this year.
And then, I read this article online and not only did it struck a huge chord but it also changed my mind. I felt myself nodding from beginning to end. I already have a book on loneliness in my shopping basket, but I thought I should add this one too.
I told my friend that this time on my own has enabled me to listen to myself, gather my strengths (and I need them so very much), and figure out what’s been going on with me in terms of mental and physical health. I’ve been reading and writing a lot, making sense of things. I’ve also been more creative and I’m also invested in my education, with my post-grad course. How else would I be able to do this in the middle of the crowd? In the middle of the very very noisy, opinionated and vampire-like crowd? My hermit mode hasn’t been one of self-pity but of self-discovery, self-development and empowerment. I’m convinced I will be able, with the help of my therapists and the support of those closest to me, to change certain attitudes and behaviors.
When I say I’m like a hermit, it doesn’t mean I’m going to grow a beard (that would be fun) and move many miles away from civilization (I would have to come back to go to dance performances, the movies and eat Thai food or sushi). But I know what it’s like to face the stigma. Like the friend mentioned in the article, I know what it’s like to be eyed with a mix of suspicion, curiosity and pity when I spend a few days away by myself and eat out at restaurants. Some men see a young woman by herself and think they’re easy prey (they’re not, and they most likely wish to remain lost in their own thoughts).
But I’m not going to spend my free time stuck at home just because I don’t have a boyfriend or my holidays didn’t overlap with any of my friends’. Hell no. There’s too much I want to see and visit and learn before disease eats me away. Stigma is in the eye of the beholder. My alone time is productive, rich and peaceful, and I won’t doubt myself and apologize for it. Not anymore.