Good news, bad news and some existential thoughts (or not)

So… it’s been a little while. I went away for a week on vacation and when I came back it’s like all hell broke loose, more or less.
The good news is that the ultrasound revealed that my cyst keeps getting smaller as a result of the medication I’m taking. The doctor also examined me and he said he couldn’t even feel it anymore. The pain I sometimes get in my lower abdomen is apparently not related to my endometriosis, so it still remains to be diagnosed, but overall good news.
The bad news… After a week completely free of ms symptoms, as soon as I got back I started feeling intense fatigue again. I woke up on Monday and my right arm was numb and I was so tired my legs hurt and felt heavy, as if I had cement blocks attached to them. Throughout the day I noticed my left hand was always stiff.
These symptoms eventually subsided as the week went on, except for the fatigue and the feeling my legs were heavy. I kept spreading peppermint gel on them to make it better and it helped a little.
Now what am I to make of this? We know that stress exacerbates ms symptoms, but I think it goes a little beyond that. How we feel psychologically also messes us physically. Because the truth is I feel stranded in my everyday life, being kept in an office/cage from 9 to 5, being given responsibilities I don’t have the skills to deal with and wasn’t taught how to. And in the end of the week, life seems to make little sense. I don’t see ways out, I don’t see any meaning. I look for meanings and fulfillment in other places, but by the time I get home from work I’m usually so tired I can’t even write a few words on Twitter, let alone do anything else.
The other day I was on a Facebook group for people with ms and someone was telling she got her disability retirement at 31, which is how old I am now. Besides the fact that I don’t think anyone would give me retirement just because I feel tired all the time, it doesn’t even cross my mind throwing in the towel at such a young age. I don’t think I should give up because I don’t even think the problem is the disease itself but the external factors that are contributing to it. If I were given more flexibility in terms of working hours and the opportunity to work from home I believe my symptoms would generally improve. But unfortunately the company where I work is still operating in the past century, and given the economic crisis my country is struggling with, the prospects of finding another job look dim. I should be glad that I have a job and that my medication is still made available, though I know in other countries there are already new and more sophisticated options. So in the meantime I’ll just keep on dragging those cement blocks and hope everything will be fine.

4 thoughts on “Good news, bad news and some existential thoughts (or not)

  1. Sorry things have been such a challenge lately, both physically and with your job. I don’t have any creative solutions to offer on the job front, but I hope that you are able to work something out that helps give you more flexibility and more opportunity to manage the stress and fatigue.


    1. Thanks. I just get really frustrated when I realize I control so little. Coming from vacation you get a reality check that’s a bit overwhelming. But this is a journey, and it takes time. I’m sure I will continue to learn step by step how to deal with stress and fatigue the best way I can.


  2. I have not worked for in an office like you for many years now, but I did when I was first diagnosed. I understand completely what you are saying. I think at the time I was still going through the grief at having being diagnosed ( I would cry on the train to work) but maybe that was tiredness too. But I simply hated my life, saw no point to carrying on when all I could do at home was rest. My life has changed radically now, but maybe yours just needs a little change. Are you able to rest in your lunch break or when you get home? Just keep going like you say though, your energy levels might improve x


    1. Ever since I was diagnosed I’ve been trying to make small changes in my life, taking baby steps so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. I’ve been testing the waters but I’m not really sure which way I should be going. The unemployment rates right now are also a bit discouraging. I went back to studying and hopefully that will open more doors, even though studying at night can be quite exhausting. But I’m not one to give up. Thank you for your feedback. 🙂


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