I’m still kicking it

Sometimes I still get a little down. Sometimes I still feel like crying. And sometimes I still cry late at night. The last four years of my life have been extremely hard and I still can’t help but wonder where exactly all those hardships were meant to lead me, what exactly those hardships meant to tell me.

2010 and the most part of 2011 were all about heartbreak, disputes with family members, and finding, buying and building up a little apartment where I could hide. I believe the strain and prolonged stress of all this ultimately led to the exarcebation that had me diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in late 2011.

10 months of treatment with interferons ensued. And that was hell. The side effects of the medication were worse than the symptoms of the disease. No paracetamol could help me. It just didn’t do anything. And when I finally changed the medication and things started to settle, some months later I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told I had to undergo surgery to remove a cyst in my left ovary. Fortunately the surgery ended up not being necessary, but until more medication and tests confirmed it I lived in fear and anxiety.

Recently I met someone I developed a little infatuation for. I don’t think he’s interested, but my mind? My mind is all about castles in the air and fairy tales. I understand why my mind needs to go into a sort of trance and daydream as if its life depended on it. After all, the past years have been so dark, bleak, and grounded. But I’m not 15 anymore. I’ve known disappointment. I’ve known reality checks. I don’t want more heartbreak. I’ve lost people because of my diagnosis. Because they didn’t understand. Because they didn’t want to understand. And I got a little too tired of feeling I needed to explain myself to them and apologize for not being as healthy and “normal” as they wanted me to be.

I’ve been kicking depression out of my life, trying to focus on being well and holding on to all the positive things I have. And I’m still kicking it. But sometimes, when in my mind someone new holds the promise of better times, I feel myself going down again. Because I’m not even sure he remembers my name. I just made that promise up.

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